Growing. Changing. Questioning.

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Where have I been?  What happened to this blog?

Well.

For starters, my kids are growing older and more vocal about their wishes, which generally include pleas for me not to post photos of them on a public blog that their friends can find.  Understandable.  

At the same time, these big kids are sleeping less, which means my evening time for solo pursuits like sewing, photography, reflecting, and writing has been shrinking for years now.  I do still sew (nearly 20 items in 2017 and 13 so far in 2018), but I almost never manage to photograph or write about what I've sewn.  I can barely manage to put together a grocery list; thoughtful blog posts have felt impossible.

Plus, my technology has posed a real challenge in recent years.  My serger was uncooperative for many months (finally replace it last month!).  We had a computer crash, and though we replaced that computer, we've never managed to set up a workable system for saving and organizing photos.  My photo-hosting site turned this blog into an ugly mess last summer, causing me all sorts of headaches (the problem now seems to have miraculously been fixed, I think?!!).  

Against the backdrop of busy kids, a husband who travels a lot, a demanding job, and some not-insignificant kid worries, this all lead to a deserted blog.  And a tired mama.

Not just a tired mama, but a mama questioning whether I should be devoting the little time and energy I do have to something a little less selfish than blogging (this blog has always been primarily for me---an outlet, a way to chronicle my creative endeavors, and a way to connect with a few other folks with shared interests).  I feel like I should be doing more to make a bit of difference in the world --- an impact beyond raising compassionate, empowered, take-action kids, though that's certainly important.  I've started a Texas chapter of the Local Love Brigade, which responds to acts of hate and violence with an outpouring of love and support, mostly through sending supportive, encouraging mail to victims.  While I believe in the mission and the outreach, and I wish I had more time to give to this project, I still find myself wondering how else I can improve this world that I will someday leave to my children.  It's on my mind a lot.

Of course, this sort of thinking is such a privilege.  My family has nutritious food to eat, clean water to drink and bathe in, air conditioning to keep us comfortable, excellent medical care to help keep us well, solid educational resources and access to information to inspire critical thinking and analysis, good jobs working with people who care about us professionally and personally, and families who love us and make sure we never feel alone in this world.  We have opportunities and benefits not available to so many.  Having all that I have ever really hoped for, and what many could only dream of, I am one of the lucky few who can ask what am I doing with this good fortune; how can I help? 

For many months, I had "clean up blog" on my to-do list, thinking that as soon as it looked pretty again, I'd start writing again.  I tried some things that didn't work, and I found a couple of people I hoped could help.  As time wore on and my attempts at blog repair got me nowhere, I changed my to-do list to say "archive and kill blog."  Drastic?  Maybe.  Liberating?  Yes.

Now that the blog seems to have fixed itself, I'm not sure what to do with it.  It may well disappear one day.  Or maybe I'll find my voice and write something.  Whatever happens, I'm very glad for the joy that this little outlet has brought me through the years (and even now, looking back).


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